Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
