he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Let's get the cat blown out
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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