Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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