dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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