areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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