I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
