Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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