I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My ass is underappreciated
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize