Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
