I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
