I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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