why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
