True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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