Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
