I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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