my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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