atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
