if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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