shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
