There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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