She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
