It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
