She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
