every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
