1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize