before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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