My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just gargled with NyQuil
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
