Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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