Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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