high people should be assigned attendants
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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