Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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