the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
