I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
being pregnant is like rehab
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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