I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Who died my cat blue again?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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