just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
