I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
