I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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