i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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