i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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