i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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