You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
