Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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