whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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