Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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