then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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