a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
