Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize