I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize