This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
