Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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