hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize