What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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