captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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