I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
