if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
