Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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