I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
