btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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