How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
