sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
