I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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