Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
