not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
