What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
