my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize