I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize