If that was your dad, he is hot
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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