Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
